12 May, 2010


Reflection: serious thought or consideration.

Dwell upon: think, speak, or write at length (a particular subject, esp. one that is a source of unhappiness, anxiety, or dissatisfaction).

The first is something I need to do. The second is what I need to learn not to do.

I often find myself stuck on the things that have caused me emotional pain, made me unhappy, anxious, or stressed. I get lost in them. My emotions take over and I no longer make sense, not only to myself, unfortunately, but to others as well.

I get lost in subjects I don’t understand, am too stubborn to accept my faults and too proud to allow for growth. I hold onto arguments and unpleasant things, forcing myself to relive them time and time again. 

At 26, is it late for me to acknowledge these handicaps? Or am I right on course?

I have the pleasure of finding myself in a third world country- where it’s familiar yet new and exciting. One in which almost every task is a challenge, and I’m forced to face them all alone. Literally every single day I find myself facing a fear that has crippled me for so many years.

Something as simple as finding my way to a new place, forcing myself to go out to a social event (even though I am frozen with fear and anxiety), pushing myself to meet someone new- shoving myself head first into a job front that I know will be a challenge (one where I feel completely rusty with as well), coercing myself into asking for help when I truly need it and convincing myself that I don’t need at time where I normally would have buckled and had someone else do the task for me.

These are simple things that happen every single day. I’ve been dependant on others to do the most difficult tasks in life- even the ones that may seem simple to others. Something as little and effortless as calling and placing an order for delivery usually fills me with anxiety at the basic thought of it.

But every day I wake up and it’s a new day. It’s a new chance to prove to myself that I am a strong and independent human being. My heart is too big, too filled with love and happiness to be bogged down with social handicaps.

When I took the leap and went for a two-month volunteer trip in Africa, I was that beautifully strong person. I was left to fend for myself and I fell in love with every part of it. 

I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost who the real Cori is, and who she can be.

I’m ready to find her. 

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